In recent months, perhaps longer, it has become apparent that this work of mine is becoming more lucid. That which was a distraction and unnecessary appears to be falling away leaving a simple essential experience. Perhaps the point of it all.
Perhaps closer to the truth.
At first, it was somewhat disconcerting to realize that this is what it is. That this was at the heart of it all, and always had been. Now I’m certain as to where this is headed, though remain a little unsure as to how. And that is the adventure. More on this in the coming months.
And then, it seems that today – 15 May 2016 – something of this essential experience was outed on Facebook by SUZY BATIZ, a well known Dallas based Entrepreneur. Her photograph is above, taken at the point the weight lifted. Her words of description sit below. Perhaps for me, they represent a bridge well burned. And no possible way back. Perhaps it was always about more than simply sharing a Human Portrait.
I see you, you belong.
I didn’t know Nic Askew was what I call “enlightened” (he doesn’t like that word at all he said) until I sat with him yesterday to make a film. I was totally unaware of where I would go and especially where I would end up, the adventurous journey going everywhere and nowhere. There has been only been one other person I’ve had a similar experience with, Byron Katie. I remember how clearly I saw myself in her presence and I cried every time just witnessing and seeing my innocence being reflected in her eyes.
So here Nic and I sat while he looked me deeply in the eyes and he said “I’m going to do something weird“. What he called weird was his intense deep gaze which was more like a reflective portal back into my-self. I immediately cried because of what I saw. I knew he saw me fully and I saw my-self … Really saw and felt my-self for what seemed like the first time. I saw and experienced all the exhaustion I had acquired from doing so much in my life, for over 48 years … since I was 4 years old. I called it running and I told him I’m the best at running and how the world has rewarded me for running/doing so much. But I was referring more to the energetic shifting shit around constantly. I had created a life full of heavy and burdensome responsibility.
Why? In order to make myself necessary. I actually saw in visuals and physically felt the “bone tired” impact of the weight and how incredibly scared I was to just stop, to put it all down. I heard in my mind the stories, the proof of why I can’t stop: “that’s all I knew to do, it was everyone’s fault, I had to, I can’t stop because too many people depend on me, etc“. So much justification was rapidly firing in my mind. I didn’t speak this self-defense though because I had witnessed someone the night before (at a Soul Biographies Live Filming Event) wriggling subtly away from themselves. What I was seeing and feeling wasn’t subtle though and it/I couldn’t be ignored.
I’m sure Nic saw me wriggling and he asked, “why don’t you just stop?” I could feel a tiny sense of the freedom I’d have from stopping, only for a few seconds though and then I panicked in fear again. Stopping it all seemed impossible, I told him it would be like stopping an avalanche … Or cause one. The gap in between my doing and stopping was so incredibly huge and frightening, it was the deepest of my fears … a paralyzing thought. I asked him in defense and hopefully buying time so I could figure my way out, “How can I destroy the meticulous ecosystem of needing others and being needed that I have so intently and solidly built all around me? How do I tear this all down?”
I imagined in my worst fear that if I stopped it would all come crashing down; I would be no one, I would be left with nothing at all and be all alone-no one would need me. He asked why it has to all come crashing down. “Can’t you just admire and appreciate what you’ve built?” Hmmmm…
Then he asked me how large was the gap of fear I was experiencing. I showed him with my hands. About 8 inches wide (from here to freedom) was exactly that far away. I appreciated that he asked me to physically show him because it felt much larger in my mind. I chuckled at the actual size I demonstrated. He touched my hands gently and pulled them together to close the gap. He said it could be just that simple. I laughed hysterically… laughing away what seemed like all the years of my efforting. I laughed at the image of me trying to control my life, and actually thinking I was the one in control. Always running to fix myself, fix others or build more importance. And laughing hysterically at how necessary I found myself in the world, so much of the/my world really depended on me in my mind.
Then I cried and laughed for another long bit at how adorably sweet my efforting has been. Like a kid on the fake car track at an amusement park where she really thinks she’s turning the wheel and making it go somewhere. I sat for a long while viewing in my mind my lifelong efforting. Similar to when I used to watch my children at the amusement park. Seeing how much they really believed they were doing something and them being so very proud of their accomplishments. I was the child in the fake car feverishly thinking doing something important. I then adored the innocence of myself, the childish feverish driver. And the one who believed she couldn’t let go or it would all fall apart.
As I sit here now in my big house, with my big business, my big bank accounts and with my big beautiful family that I’ve so proudly always said that “I” created. Along with how I made up the sad stories (and told many people) that I had to do all this … to take care of everyone and the thick bands of responsibility I built around them all. And I’m not even sure any of that is or was ever even true. And I have a lot of love for myself for making up, believing and telling all the stories. Maybe even this one isn’t true, who knows or even cares? In this moment I only know that I love myself and I’m enough just as I am without doing anything at all.
Nic ended filming by asking, “What will you create now that you’re not so necessary?”
ALL THE FILMS BELOW WERE FILMED AMONGST AN EVENT AUDIENCE
CAROLINE BOBBY ‘FIELDS OF KINDNESS’
DAVID TAYLOR ‘FATHER AND SON’